The Newlybed

You know it’s gotta be mid-February when the flurry of sex/lust/love research goes from a few snowflakes to a full-on blizzard.

The big theme of today - only two! days! before! V-day! - is about our favorite neurochemicals ever, oxytocin & vasopressin and how they conspire to be the boss of you.

It’s so inspiring that we just insist they make a movie or two out of it. So, here are the pitches:

Option A: The Love Dramedy

The research: Bianca Acevedo and company are researchers who, this explains, are “part of a new field in science that seeks to biologically explain love, and so far they have found that love is mostly understood through hormones, genetics, and brain images.” Moreover, says her colleague Larry Young, love “has a biological basis”.

Sure, sure. It’s all between your ears, and magical sparking neurons release chemicals that make you feel good and gooey and keep you coming back for more. It’s drug-like, right?

Of course! “The brokenhearted show more evidence of what I’ll call craving,” said Lucy Brown, a neuroscientist. “Similar to craving the drug cocaine.”

“Romantic love is an addiction; a wonderful addiction when it is going well, a horrible one when it is going poorly,” another researcher on the team said, adding that “People kill for love. They die for love.”

The movie:
In the tradition of non-fiction getting spun into rom-coms, someone could write this into a movie. They could set it in a high school and call it Love is the Drug. This is what a trailer might look like:

Option B: The Rom Com

The research: A high-brow piece in the venerable NYT features Hannah Holmes, and her new book “The Well-Dressed Ape: A Natural History of Myself.” Both writer and researcher are helpless against the grey goo-ey-ness of it all, unable resist the lure of likening love to a labyrinth of neurochemicals. In this too-long-to-hold-our-attention article, we learn that “humans, like dolphins and some chimpanzees, are one of the few species that have sex for pleasure, not just reproduction” and that “other unusual human behaviors include the ability to cooperate (especially when we know we’re being watched, as one study showed), and to share resources and territories — albeit with difficulty”.

The piece then blathers on about ring finger vs. index fingers lengths. And then it meanders around Holmes house. Then something about Match.com and how she met her, well, match there. Effing great. But what about brain drugs?

Ah yes, here we go - it’s in that final paragraph about how cute and nice her husband is: “So just by reading my prospect’s face — and humans are very good at gauging personality in a face — I already had an idea he wasn’t aggressive toward me. And since I’m not very aggressive either, that Berlin Wall of caution crumbled pretty quickly. And of course, the oxytocin didn’t hurt.”

The movie: Could this be a movie? Of course. They could call it Love.com. With sexy, hip but non-threatening youthful characters. But it would probably skew too geeky and need be set in Japan.

There are two potent arbiters of pop cultural relevancy presently: Wikipedia and reality TV.

So, while it’s troubling that there’s still no wikipedia entry for newlyweds, there’s solace in the renewed attention paid to us by the latter.

As I reported previously, MTV is casting an update on its patented Newlyweds-style docudrama, and the eternally undead The Newlywed Game is getting resuscitated once more by Carnie Wilson.

And though some of these vehicles hold the promise of showing how married couples be committed as well as sexy, fun-loving and well-adjusted, the public eye doesn’t tolerate such normalcy without a trashy counterpoint.

Enter CBS, which has ordered up a new reality series from the Magical Elves (for real) production company titled “Arranged Marriage” according to pitch on the show’s website and a lengthy article by the Hollywood Reporter.

The premise? Four people “between the ages of 25 and 45 who are eager to wed but have previously been unsuccessful in finding a soul mate” will rely on friends and family to do the choosing for them.

Fine so far. But here’s the kicker: According to The Reporter, “the newly-formed couple will then exchange marital vows and the series will follow marriages”, which also noted the series is only tentatively-titled and additional details about the project are not being revealed yet.

Already, comparisons to an earlier, similarly themed show called “Married by America” are cropping up. The Reporter notes, “CBS’ “Marriage” presents itself as a documentary series about finding true love, a show that extends the Eastern tradition of an arranged marriage (where friends and family select the mate) into the West.

Until the whole thing is over and you’re stuck with a massive chocolate, red wine and massage oil hangover. Then all the weird sparkly feather light-up pens, and red heart-shaped junk will disappear from stores shelves, not to return for another 330 days.

Speaking of weird holiday stuff, ever wonder why those innocent-looking cherubs came to be associated with the sex holiday? The video below, courtesy of The Flight of the Conchords, explains: