Good news, Indiebrides and girl geeks! There recent nuptials of one-time It Girl Lisa Loeb means that there’s some hot new wedding porn to pour over and it’s totally catered to our quirky aesthetic sensibilities.
The full photo spread is in People magazine, but unfortunately, not online.
From this photo, we can see that her dress looks pretty cute and very vintage. Thanks for living up to our girl-crush expectations, Mrs. Herskovitz!
Oh Tina Brown. I kinda liked you.
So, why did you have to go and harsh our buzz?
Until now, The Newlybed had a good week leading up to V-Day. We gushed about a new NILF-crush, we felt empowered by an Aussie take on realizing the benefits of being happy, and we found a new book to keep by the bedside.
I know that you’re in the business of being controversial and thought-provoking and that getting eyeballs means keeping your writers’ freezers stocked with frozen dinners.
But a press release trumpeting poll results which indicate that economic-inspired negativity has breached the impermeable hull of the newlybedrooms? Just cruel.
And it’s hard to underestimate the importance you assign to these things. In fact, you refuse to let us, as your wonderful PR hacks’ work (emphasis theirs) shows:
ASTOUNDING FINDINGS FROM VALENTINE’S DAY POLL INCLUDE:
- 42% of the Americans surveyed are now less likely to have children
- More than one in three are less likely to get divorced
- In both sex and dating, Americans are being more careful. 41% are more cautious about who they date and one in five are using more birth control to avoid having children
Maybe you’re right, maybe you’re not. Well-choreographed efforts to manipulate the relationship between causation and correlation always irk me, but I can get past that. I’ll ignore the so-called third person effect that taints survey results and instead focus on what I find most controversial and problematic: sexual frequency & income.
In other words, the more you make, the more you bang. 43% of couples making over $75000 a year have sex 6 times a month or more, while only 21% of those making less than that do the same. Anecdotal accounts of jobless spouses not being in the mood seem to make sense. This advice column proves that point pretty well for you (but goes farther in providing concrete strategies to deal with fallout).
But on the heels of both the DABA debacle and controversial research that asserts the bigger a man’s wallet, the bigger his lady’s orgasms, it seems like your de-contextualized findings do little more than reify what would otherwise be (rightly) considered dated, sexist stereotyping: If the he’s not bringing home the bacon like he used to, maybe he’s not the man you need him to be?
What’s more, you’re going to have to keep going to work and hold off on your True Destiny as a Woman: having kids. Why else would you state that “It’s startling to learn here of the number of people who are postponing having children for financial reasons. We could be about to see a potential Baby Bust.” Postponing is very different from nixing the possibility altogether, Tina. So if little junior or juniorette arrives a year or two or three late, there’s no net difference. Unless, of course, you expect that babies roll off the factory line in some weird Fordist production system and any hiccups in this are likely to cause inventory delays for pissed-off would-be octo-moms.
The one bright spot? 80% of democrats and nearly half (48%) of Republicans believe Barack and Michelle have a true romance.
Maybe it’s because they clear the $75,000 threshhold and already have their baby-making done?
Take indie rock star Ben Lee, for example. Why he’s a brand-spanking-new newlywed, tying the knot last month to actress Ione Skye.
And not only does he gush profusely about her and they’re awesome nuptials in India, but in this article for Spinner he seems pretty blissed out about his new album, too:
“It’s actually more of a song about the universe,” Lee asserts. “It’s a love song to life. I mean, it can be perceived as a love song to a person, but I really wrote it as a love song to the process of existence. Devotion — it’s all the same whether you have devotion to a person or devotion to music or to nature or to God or whatever you call it.”
Let the swooning begin.
There are two potent arbiters of pop cultural relevancy presently: Wikipedia and reality TV.
So, while it’s troubling that there’s still no wikipedia entry for newlyweds, there’s solace in the renewed attention paid to us by the latter.
As I reported previously, MTV is casting an update on its patented Newlyweds-style docudrama, and the eternally undead The Newlywed Game is getting resuscitated once more by Carnie Wilson.
And though some of these vehicles hold the promise of showing how married couples be committed as well as sexy, fun-loving and well-adjusted, the public eye doesn’t tolerate such normalcy without a trashy counterpoint.
Enter CBS, which has ordered up a new reality series from the Magical Elves (for real) production company titled “Arranged Marriage” according to pitch on the show’s website and a lengthy article by the Hollywood Reporter.
The premise? Four people “between the ages of 25 and 45 who are eager to wed but have previously been unsuccessful in finding a soul mate” will rely on friends and family to do the choosing for them.
Fine so far. But here’s the kicker: According to The Reporter, “the newly-formed couple will then exchange marital vows and the series will follow marriages”, which also noted the series is only tentatively-titled and additional details about the project are not being revealed yet.
Already, comparisons to an earlier, similarly themed show called “Married by America” are cropping up. The Reporter notes, “CBS’ “Marriage” presents itself as a documentary series about finding true love, a show that extends the Eastern tradition of an arranged marriage (where friends and family select the mate) into the West.
And those concerned that the lack of wedding - by far the loudest complaint over “Married By America” - will be repeated, there are already guarantees that on the CBS show, couples will really tie the knot.
W mag raised the bar pretty high with their retro fabulous take on coupledom with Brad and Angie a few years back. But lemme tell you, newlyweds of the moment Fergie and Josh easily soar over it in next month’s spread for Elle magazine.
X17, being a usurper of attention, has posted some of the best window-fogging pics on their site here.
Since the story first broke, even more attention is being paid to the sexercise (insert eye-roll here) routines of newlywed French President Sarkozy.
But don’t feel uncomfortable! In case you forgot or were otherwise misled, couples who exercise (together or separately) and have lots of vigorous sex are more likely to stay healthy.
Sure, the most recent advice on the matter might come from The Examiner, but some of the tips and tricks seem to be, well, sensible.
And, earlier in the decade, Forbes provided a thorough, item-by-item list of all the benefits that come from lots of sex:
“A vigorous bout burns some 200 calories–about the same as running 15 minutes on a treadmill or playing a spirited game of squash. The pulse rate, in a person aroused, rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150, the same as that of an athlete putting forth maximum effort.”
Reduced depression and better teeth are a few surprising ones.
And in case you’re the sort who only believes their eyes, you can plenty of photographic proof by checking out still-glowing newlyweds Fergie and Josh doing some outdoor exercising here.
Because other newlywed-focused websites focus exclusively on the yuppie-fication of your otherwise joyous union, The Newlybed has had little company in pursuing an agenda of happy, horny married life.
But no longer! Thanks to still-in-love husband and wife team in the White House, everyone is catching the spousal fever.
Last Saturday, Jezebel posted about other media mavens in awe of “married romance” - a concept peculiar enough to warrant an extensive discursive dissection on the Columbia Journalism Review.
Even Fox got into the fray, posting this analysis of the lovebirds:
While it’s great to recalibrate our assumptions about what the goings-on in the Oval Office and Lincoln bedroom and hope for some trickle-down effects of warm and fuzzy feelings, let’s stop short of bump watching, mmmk?
While American headlines focus on the inauguration of Barack, European newspapers are a twitter with other presidential matters. More specifically, the sex life of newlyweds Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni. Of course, as newlyweds, one expects a bit of prying from inquiring and adoring fans. But a spate of articles on the Presidential perineum were not what people were expecting.
The Guardian echoes our shock and awe: “Why are we interested in it? Because according to Nicolas Sarkozy’s personal trainer, Julie Imperiali, the French president has shed 4kg and shrunk two trouser sizes since she got him working the muscles of his pelvic floor 10 months ago”.
The Telegraph allows Imperiali to explain that “the perineum is the floor of our body and if it’s not kept in shape it is as if you had a house with no floor. You can become incontinent, your organs descend and you have bad posture… To get in touch with your perineal muscles, she said, ‘You have to imagine that you have a burning need to urinate and hold it in. That works for men as well as women.’” Sounds like good old-fashioned Kegels, no?
Perhaps.
But, nevertheless, the oddly placed personal details make for a salacious slice of reportage.
Kegels are not only good for post-partum moms but also “apparently strengthen the perineal muscles in Mr Sarkozy’s lower pelvis. ‘Sexual relations are better if the male perineum is in good shape,’ said Mrs Imperiali” who added that “problems of premature ejaculation are often due to the perineum.”
Will the perineum become the new hot sex organ - the g-spot of the next decade - or is this a salacious way to create eye-catching headlines? Comments welcome…
Fetishizing life-long commitments used to mean Googling your way to a MILF site or picking up one of the weekly glossies, like US or Star, that valorized celebrity new moms. But years of bump watching and million dollar newlyborn debute have grown tiresome. And so, it’s time for a new rite of passage to be co-opted by the pop cultural machinery into an object of collective longing.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to the NILF or Newlywed I’d Like to F[...].
NILFs are sexy, smart, savvy and whatever else MILFs were. Run down the checklist: Are they desirable, enviable and unachievably successful? Of course. Can they convey exotic eroticism while remaining wholesome, accessible and down-to-earth? Definitely. Do they have the power to become commanders of cultural trends? Advertisers are counting on it.
Perhaps because a radiant glow, beaming smile and come-hither stare are hallmarks of New Wife delights, it’s little wonder two camera-worthy former brides are helping to launch new make-up lines, right?
Fergie’s new ad spread for MAC is high on concept and fantasy:
(via The Guardian)
Sporting a classic-yet-derivative look is ScarJo in her D&G campaign:
( via Pop Media Examiner)
So, three questions need answering:
1.) Who did it better?
2.) Who will be better able to stave off whispering hoards of bump watchers?
3.) Who will be the next celeb NILF to claim the spotlight?
