The Newlybed

* Sigh *

I know that this Richard Girling guy’s Times of London piece about the evolution of lust, sex and coupledom is really just about his new book.

I know that everybody wants to have lots and lots of sex. [Bragging about my goal to bang my husband 10, 000 times was one of my first Newlybed blog posts.]

I know that he’s only trying to push buttons when he makes overstatements about what women want from men and what men want from women.

I know his use of statistics is sorta clunky, definitely misleading and applied only to boost the flagging cred of his arguments in order to make the scientifically-sounding headline of “The Evolution of Sex and Marriage” not be a complete lie.

I know, after reading the whole thing more than once, that the assertion below his headline that “We can barely control our sexual appetites, but are hungry for happy, monogamous relationships” is just a big, fucking rouse.

But why does he need 2000 words to accomplish what even middling romcoms do in a single catchphrase?

There are two potent arbiters of pop cultural relevancy presently: Wikipedia and reality TV.

So, while it’s troubling that there’s still no wikipedia entry for newlyweds, there’s solace in the renewed attention paid to us by the latter.

As I reported previously, MTV is casting an update on its patented Newlyweds-style docudrama, and the eternally undead The Newlywed Game is getting resuscitated once more by Carnie Wilson.

And though some of these vehicles hold the promise of showing how married couples be committed as well as sexy, fun-loving and well-adjusted, the public eye doesn’t tolerate such normalcy without a trashy counterpoint.

Enter CBS, which has ordered up a new reality series from the Magical Elves (for real) production company titled “Arranged Marriage” according to pitch on the show’s website and a lengthy article by the Hollywood Reporter.

The premise? Four people “between the ages of 25 and 45 who are eager to wed but have previously been unsuccessful in finding a soul mate” will rely on friends and family to do the choosing for them.

Fine so far. But here’s the kicker: According to The Reporter, “the newly-formed couple will then exchange marital vows and the series will follow marriages”, which also noted the series is only tentatively-titled and additional details about the project are not being revealed yet.

Already, comparisons to an earlier, similarly themed show called “Married by America” are cropping up. The Reporter notes, “CBS’ “Marriage” presents itself as a documentary series about finding true love, a show that extends the Eastern tradition of an arranged marriage (where friends and family select the mate) into the West.

Congratulations to the 50% (give or take) of consenting adults who are married: it’s National Marriage Week! Woot!

Finally, a week to tend to ourselves and our libidos, free of the pressures of work, grocery shopping and kidcare.

Or at least, that’s what you’d think it was if you believed your spiritual advisers, because they way they’re discussing a new book coming out this week it seems that marriage is all about decade after decade of hot, delicious sex.

If that doesn’t describe your coupledom, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach plainly asks why the hell not: “What happened to that magnetic force that we call desire?” His new book, Kosher Sutra: 8 Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life. Says Boteach, “when you think of how powerful the sexual drive is, the idea that it has been lost between two people in the same bed every night is truly shocking. Sex is supposed to be hot, about yearning and deep lust, not a sedative to help you sleep.”

True, dat. But where’s the transcendental part come in? Shmuley reveals it through edicts #7 and #8, which center on “Unquenchable yearning — longing and lusting after someone in front of you but whom you can never quite reach” and going “Beyond the body — sex is the key to spiritual awakening that can happen within us.”

I’m game. This not only makes sense, but it makes me want to fondle Mr. Abraxas. So, mission accomplished, Shmuley: Your cross-over appeal to the secular humanist crowd is secured, and I will be buying your book.

But what about the all-important Christian perspective on this Rabbinically-penned text? Check back tomorrow.

Republicans in Georgia are working to oust tenured faculty from their professorial posts. The excuse? Econopocalypse-related budget restraints. The real reason? Their sex-related research matter is too scandalous.

According to a Fort Mill Times article, “State Rep. Charlice Byrd of Woodstock took the House well on Friday to announce a ‘grass-roots’ effort to oust professors with expertise in subjects like male prostitution, oral sex and queer theory. ‘This is not considered higher education,’ she said. ‘If legislators are going to dole out the dollars, we should have a say-so in where they go.’”

“Hill and Byrd were incensed to learn a University of Georgia professor teaches a graduate course on ‘queer theory.’ They also took aim at Georgia State University, where an annual guide to its faculty experts lists a sociology lecturer as an expert in oral sex and faculty member Kirk Elifson as an expert in male prostitution.”

Elifson’s profile on the GSU website, however, indicate that his future research ambitions include working to “assist community based organizations to implement HIV/STD interventions for incarcerated men and women, and to gain insight into the health related consequences of substance abuse.”

Dangerously radical?

Hardly.

A search of the University’s expert guide, however, yielded just 11 other sex-focused professors, hardly sufficient for the widespread conspiracy Byrd suggests, nor would the elimination of their salaries (even a very generous $100,000 a year X 12 is only $1.2 million) be sufficient to reverse the financial fortunes of an organization as large and complex as a University.

So, legislators, let me plead: keep these professors in their posts - these research dollars need to stay where they are. As this blog has demonstrated here, here, here and here, the current state of affairs is rather abysmal. Unvetted surveys of unrepresentative samples, complete indifference of the yawning chasm between causation and correlation, and a continued push for headline-grabbing results have all conspired to produce a farcical, if not dangerously misleading, body of research.

Emphasis, seemingly, is on the creation of a self-sustaining synopsis factory. Little regard is given to the ways that real-world impacts of these research findings: they influence behavior, incite trends and push the social agenda either towards or away from more tolerance, understanding and acceptance.

Find it distasteful or even offensive? Engage in some healthy dialogue through already-established channels of communication. Ultimately, if it’s too much to expect lawmakers to champion free expression, isn’t it too little to expect that they refrain from discrimination and censorship, perhaps especially in its insidious grass-roots form?

W mag raised the bar pretty high with their retro fabulous take on coupledom with Brad and Angie a few years back. But lemme tell you, newlyweds of the moment Fergie and Josh easily soar over it in next month’s spread for Elle magazine.

X17, being a usurper of attention, has posted some of the best window-fogging pics on their site here.

There’s a battle brewing over happily ever after.

Recent research has told us that love is little more than a cascade of neurochemical reactions. And so, one day, like the story of Tristan and Isolde, love scientists will be able to create a love potion for lovers to use (responsibly, of course.)

Contrast that with fables like Cinderella which continue to cheerily inform our modern outlook, reminding us that marriage is really about having and holding onto your one true love.

Whether cautioning against meddling with destiny or providing a litany of reasons to yield to it, rewarming these gooey fairytales does more than connect us to our ancestral past. Both situations showcase acts of social rebellion masquerading as notions of romance. Both hint at the series of revolutionary changes which will shock and reshape marriage for centuries to come.

Until the middle ages, in Europe and elsewhere, marriages were arranged to consolidate relationships between families and produce heirs, rather than to sate the desires of young, hormone-drenched suitors.

Speed through renaissance, past the Industrial Revolution and into the 20th century. Finally, marriages begin to reflect personal choice and more and more often, are driven by romantic love. Courtships now span weeks and sometimes even months. Popular culture openly mythologizes newlyweds’ and their sex lives.

Fast-forward farther into the post-war era, specifically the 1970’s. Feminism complicates domestic life and (rightly) politicizes personal choices.

Full stop at 1975, the year that CBC interviewed Dr. Benjamin Small, a Chicago divorce expert. (Here, you can listen to the clip online). Said Small, every one of the couples he counseled suffered from “messy marriages” due to romanticized views of love carried over from childhood. There’s also a psychological need to correct a defective childhood self-image he says, as couples are “hoping to get from the person we marry, the good feelings we should have gotten from our parents.”

And with that, the backlash against modern marriage began, ultimately reaching its pop-culture nadir in marriage-hating sitcoms and their big screen equivalents, both teasing bonerless husbands for capitulating to their hot but shrewy wives.

With the official ushering-in of the Obama era just days away, I declare that era to be officially over; let the Newlybed Revolution begin.

Much of the western world now recognizes marriage as a civil and religious institution that allows for a permanent union between two consenting people, whatever their intentions - producing and raising offspring, aligning families and strengthening ties of kin, getting medical/financial/legal benefits, and — yes — even whiling the years away in the throes of passionate, romantic love. In sum, marriage has proven a sufficiently elastic and durable institution to house a broad range of desires.

What remains in jeopardy, however, is newlyweddery. Romantic love is still the central thrust of many an engagement, but weddings have supplanted marriages in their importance and focus. Put another way, too often the end result of months and years of courtship, party planning, and dress-picking is an eight-hour, $28, 000 ego-fest that would make even Cinderella cringe.

In an era of post-nuptial depression, it’s a wonder that newlywed bliss exists at all. The constant prompting by lifestyle mags like The Nest to reallocate newfound spare time (freed up, no doubt, by an obvious want of checklist-checking and tanning appointments) to short-term goals and nest feathering. That, and the expected been-there-done-that familiarity of spouse as a sex partner is enough to take the fun out of being newly married.

This misses many points, namely mine as a blogger dedicated to exploring a lifetime of lust. Being a newlywed is more than adjusting bathroom routines and choosing wallpaper. Ideally, it’s a time to privately celebrate all that you pledged on your wedding day and to revel in the possibility of your marriage. It’s also about incubating and nurturing good habits, many of them in the bedroom.

To recast newlyweddery as the destination and not merely another pit-stop on the journey towards happily ever after, be it resolved that newlyweds are entitled, encouraged and expected to:

• Relax, indulge and decompress
• Spend as much time in their newlybed as humanly possible
• Try on new roles and explore new identities as married partners
• Ignore the lure of home depot
• Read. Especially good blogs.