National Mistress Day is February 13. It’s an unofficial holiday - unlike the observance of Valentine’s Day which, as we all know, seems to be rigidly enforced by powerful chocolate and flower cartels - but one that’s.
Where did it come from, you ask?
Well, the Examiner (via Gothamist via Gourmet Magazine) seems to think that it’s a natural outcrop of overbooked love calendars. While February 14 is taken up by dutiful doting on a spouse, the day before is when highrollers in big cities spend time and money on their other other halves.
Noel Biderman, president of a website which helps married partners cheat, says “It might not be a nationally celebrated day, but it’s at least a day to practice your ‘mistress retention’ skills.” The NY Daily News article he’s quoted in breaks the event into its constituent elements.
So what should you do if you’re married and faithful? Take your spouse out twice! And always always always treat your wife like you would a mistress: consider yourself embroiled in an illicit, hot-like-lava affair, where the conversation crackles, the champagne flows, and the sex sizzles.
Really, I’m not sure what to make of this just-in-time-for-Valentines’ day book, which seems to make the case that senior’s sex lives have dramatically improved over the last few decades.
“Great!” you think. But “How and why?” you ask. And “Isn’t that just too much information?” you wonder, silently.
Well yes, says the press release, “some may say this is TMI (too much information), but for [author] Phil and his peers, seniors are still “doing it” and his book illustrates why and how.
Grandpa Does Grandma: The ABCs of Senior Sex is just in time for Valentine’s Day lovers (old and young) to continue expressing their love for the remaining days this year! Parker uses 26 tastefully done illustrations that complement each letter for your visual enjoyment.”
Yesterday, I fully endorsed the Kosher Sutra. Rabbi Shmuley won me - a secular humanist with esoteric Buddhist leanings - and thus secured a slice of the married-person demographic. But we secular humanists with esoteric Buddhist leanings are not as powerful or plentiful as the Liberal Elite Media would have you believe.
So the good Rabbi is courting a more influential pool or people: Christians.
Lots of headlines (and a Newlybed blog post) were made when proclamations from radical religious leaders encouraging their congregations to spend more time attending to their spouses as sexual partners.
Shmuley is careful to dial things back. A long, well-reasoned article introducing his book is careful to include lots of endorsements from Christians of many stripes, like religious historian Martin E. Marty (yep - that’s his real name) who summarily says: “It is hard to get around the observation that, overall, sexual issues — be they biological, theological or moral — are the most controversial subjects in religion today. Like it or not, understandings of human sexuality combined with issues of authority — who decides about practices? — concern everybody from Mennonites to Greek Orthodox.”
Often, though, people of the cloth get confused by the whole sex thing. Why? They don’t have much training in seminary school, and, says Shmuley, they forget that the bible “includes an entire book, The Song of Solomon, which is an erotic love poem”. Perhaps that explains why unmarried probably-virgins like Rev. James Healy misguidedly advise their flock to think about married sex as a Biblical parable:
Catholic couples should look to three episodes in the life of Jesus as a model for their marriage — the transfiguration, the crucifixion and the resurrection. he says.
The transfiguration was a “mountaintop” experience for Jesus and his three disciples, much like a honeymoon, he says. When Jesus came down from the mountain, he was hung on a cross, and that is what awaits every couple sometime in their marriage. A child is born and the dynamic changes. Or no child comes. Or a job is lost. Or an identity is smothered.
“But if we are faithful, we will rise with Jesus again. And it doesn’t happen just once in a marriage, but over and over,” Healy says. “If we can handle that, nothing can separate us from God.”
Other tomes indicate that marriage is really about the public performance and not about private commitment. According to a Christianity Today article, a soon to be released Christian marriage book called Just Sex? counters the notion of “‘consenting adults in private’, and instead focuses on a couple’s public declaration of love and commitment in front of friends and family, who in turn promise to support them in their relationship, that gives marriage its intimacy and stability.
But isn’t it wrong to see marriage, even when paraded around a closed-off and supposedly supportive Christian community, as a showmanship competition? Like Shmuley says, too many religious couples view such eroticism as somehow unholy, as if a kind of sisterly familiarity were more righteous: “It’s essential to bring back lust into a marriage, he says. Love may be beautiful, but it’s not enough.”
Congratulations to the 50% (give or take) of consenting adults who are married: it’s National Marriage Week! Woot!
Finally, a week to tend to ourselves and our libidos, free of the pressures of work, grocery shopping and kidcare.
Or at least, that’s what you’d think it was if you believed your spiritual advisers, because they way they’re discussing a new book coming out this week it seems that marriage is all about decade after decade of hot, delicious sex.
If that doesn’t describe your coupledom, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach plainly asks why the hell not: “What happened to that magnetic force that we call desire?” His new book, Kosher Sutra: 8 Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life. Says Boteach, “when you think of how powerful the sexual drive is, the idea that it has been lost between two people in the same bed every night is truly shocking. Sex is supposed to be hot, about yearning and deep lust, not a sedative to help you sleep.”
True, dat. But where’s the transcendental part come in? Shmuley reveals it through edicts #7 and #8, which center on “Unquenchable yearning — longing and lusting after someone in front of you but whom you can never quite reach” and going “Beyond the body — sex is the key to spiritual awakening that can happen within us.”
I’m game. This not only makes sense, but it makes me want to fondle Mr. Abraxas. So, mission accomplished, Shmuley: Your cross-over appeal to the secular humanist crowd is secured, and I will be buying your book.
But what about the all-important Christian perspective on this Rabbinically-penned text? Check back tomorrow.
Well, newlyweds, with Valentines Day approaching, you may be itching to replenish your stock of bedtime manuals and guidebooks.
Two new titles may pique your interest.
First up, Tera Patrick (Google her or ask your husband if you’re not familiar with her, ahem, body of work) has released a workout DVD. It’s just for women, just for the boudoir and just in time for Valentines Day. Fit 4 Sexpromises to sleeken your silhouette, tighten your torso and up your stamina with such routines like “The Spidey: Hip flexor stretches to keep you flexible through the night” and “Frisky Kitty” promotes strenuous stretches loosen joints and keep the body limber. That Patrick is capitalizing on bedroom bodybuilding isn’t surprising in and of itself. It seems like this is a natural extension of the strippercizing hoopla of D-listers like Carmen Electra. Patrick keeps the whole thing women-friendly and sex-positive, saying that “sexual well being is about body concept, poise and most importantly connecting with yourself before connecting with your partner.”
The other title is a bit more jarring, however. Frat boy sex guide “How to Treat a Woman: The Art and Science of Sex Whispering” rehashes a 1918 expose called “Married Love” - which delicately explained the differing requirements men and women have for foreplay and intercourse of husbands a wives - into a paternalistic and manipulative playbook. According to the Daily Texan’s reviewer, while it’s clear that the sexuality of men and women is markedly changed over the past 9 decades, “in 2009, a man shouldn’t have to “take care” of his lover while she sits in ignorant sexual innocence”. If you need that kind of one-sided, jingoistic advice, just go to AskMen.com or The Frisky instead, gentlemen: they’re free. For sensible, holistic and even humorous perspectives, why not check out some of the titles in my Amazon list?
Since the story first broke, even more attention is being paid to the sexercise (insert eye-roll here) routines of newlywed French President Sarkozy.
But don’t feel uncomfortable! In case you forgot or were otherwise misled, couples who exercise (together or separately) and have lots of vigorous sex are more likely to stay healthy.
Sure, the most recent advice on the matter might come from The Examiner, but some of the tips and tricks seem to be, well, sensible.
“A vigorous bout burns some 200 calories–about the same as running 15 minutes on a treadmill or playing a spirited game of squash. The pulse rate, in a person aroused, rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150, the same as that of an athlete putting forth maximum effort.”
Reduced depression and better teeth are a few surprising ones. And in case you’re the sort who only believes their eyes, you can plenty of photographic proof by checking out still-glowing newlyweds Fergie and Josh doing some outdoor exercising here.
The Stamford Advocate has a fantastic, gem-laden column this week which gather together tons of useful advice and revealing anecdotes from real-world seniors. Well worth a complete read, but the snippet below provides the biggest takeaway:
“Good sex is for everyone, says a fiftysomething couple. Good sex helped this couple bond and break through the fear when he developed throat cancer a few years ago. They sometimes smoke a little pot, rediscovered from their youth, to enhance the experience (not for everyone, they acknowledge). They stay healthy and connected in mind and emotion.”
I blame a Superbowl hangover: It’s a super slow news day, even in the sexy world of sex and love.
Instead of the normal raft of saucy headlines, steamy research and the like, three advice columns found their way into my alert folder of my email inbox. Never one to back down from a challenge, I offer my own advice to each of these three questioners.
Dear Dr Mitchell, I very recently got married after deciding to save myself for marriage. I am a Christian and my husband and I didn’t even kiss deeply before we got married.
My problem is that I discovered on our wedding night that he has a very small penis, and even when he penetrated me I felt no pain, nor did I bleed, because I don’t even think his penis got to the part where my hymen is located.
Columnist says:
“The fact that his penis is small needs to be properly dealt with. He needs to be seen by a specialist, ideally a urologist. He needs a detailed examination of his penis, prostate and testes and a hormone profile needs to be done to check his testosterone level. He might even need to do a chromosomal study to see if he has an abnormal chromosomal pattern.
…a sexual relationship does not only include penetrative sex so you both need to be creative in trying to satisfy each other sexually. You should have an honest and open discussion about the matter and also discuss the problem with your marriage counsellor who can help you to work through your problems. There are several books that you can buy which will help you to improve your sexual relationship so you should check with your local bookshop.”
I say:
Two words: sex toys. Lube, finger vibes, dildos, sleeves, plugs, caps can quickly become your best friends in the bedroom. Approach things with a positive, playful attitude and figure it out.
“My fiancé has a much higher sex drive than mine. We still have sex 4-5 times a week on average, but he’s almost always up for it. Even after 8 years together I can’t get dressed for work in the morning without him trying to grind up against me, he wants it as soon as we get home, watching TV in the evening. It never ends. Even when we arrive home after doing the grocery shopping he wants to do it in the garage. It can get pretty annoying, especially when he gives me the cold shoulder because we’ve gone, say, 2 days (gasp!) without sex.”
Columnist says:
“Finding a satisfying solution to your sex issue is about communication and compromise. Don’t give up on this good relationship. You’ve just run into a snag. This snag may always be there for you. Many couples have a problem area that crops up again and again in their marriage. But with work and communication they learn how to manage it better so they both get more of what they want.”
I say:
Yes, communicate better or you’re doomed to a lifetime of resentment and ill-will.
But recognize that many couples have sex drives in different gears. Instead of pushing yourself to up your appetite or salt-petering his food to lower his, look at other ways of achieving equilbrium.
My suggestion? Porn! Get him to get himself off. Watch or help him do it.
“My boyfriend and I have been dating for 21/2 years. He’s 36 and I’m 25. Everything with our relationship is okay (with the usual hiccups) except for our sex life. We just aren’t sexually compatible. When we do try to have sex, which is only about once a month, it usually ends quickly in disappointment or an argument.
We’ve tried different positions, reading sex books, using toys, accommodating each other etc.
We’re getting to the point in our relationship when we’re considering living together and eventually getting married, but I’m really worried that my future life as a married woman will be a sexless one. Please help.”
Columnist says:
“If you’re seriously considering living together and getting married, you need to do two things. Get your guy to a urologist to see if his problem is physical or psychological and get him some treatment. Then, get yourselves into some sex therapy to see if this issue can be resolved.”
I say:
Stop things now. Dump him, as amicably as you can. Obviously, you’ve got some deep emotional connection if you’ve stayed together through 2 1/2 years of totally unsatisying and infrequent sex. That’s enough to sustain a friendship, but not a marriage.
That you’ve tried positions, books, toys and compromise and nothing’s worked should be indication enough to nothing will.
Move on.
Do you have suggestions for these lust-lorn lovebirds? Leave your thoughts in the comments section.
Last week saw reporters and researchers let loose their mutual, pent up desire in way that would make any heaving-chested corset-clad heroine smile. Here are some of the salacious, sexy and otherwise sensational headlines their union sprang forth:
Borrowing heavily (but forgetting to cite) from Marty Klein’s 2006 book “America’s War on Sex” Fox’s Sexpert made clear an important pseudo-scientifically difference in sexual attitudes: When it comes to sexy time, you’re either an erotophobe or erotophile. Nope, it’s not a spectrum and sure, your attitudes may be shaped by past experiences, but ultimately, your sex-positivity is your choice. Ladies, I’m looking at you to loosen up your frigid, prudish ways, mmmk?
And now, for boy-specific news: Having a few drinks can help you in the bedroom, as Aussie men who didn’t completely abstain from alcohol reported fewer problems with ED than their teetotalling counterparts.
But then again, perhaps the color red helps as well: Dudes see red and feel amorous towards women, says research.
But the most significant findings were announced early in the week, in a study from Nottingham University that correlated higher sex drive in young men with higher incidence of prostate cancer in later years. Researchers asked questions relating to post-puberty sexual activity of 400 men with prostate cancer and 400 men without. The results? While the study insists that men who masturbated and had more sex in their twenties showed a higher rate of prostate cancer later in life, the raw data is murkier: “Roughly the same proportion of both groups, 59%, said they had engaged in sexual activity 12 times a month or more in their 20s, falling to 48% in their 30s, 28% in their 40s and 13% in their 50s”. Prostate cancer sufferers, however, did report a higher number of sexual partners.
And so, lest we forget, correlation does not equate to causation. What’s more, this research contradicts earlier findings which indicated that more frequent sexual activity was good for prostate health. The newer batch of research also used a less-than-reliable method of having older men recounting their sexual activity from decades ago, which the researchers themselves identify as a weak spot in the findings. Gentlemen, no matter what this research does or doesn’t tell us, please get yourself a prostate exam once a year.
And he has no plans for recovery. In fact, he’ll do anything for a good snuggle - including programming cuddle-only time into his iPhone calendar.
His pro-cuddling attitudes have made him a bit of a cuddle crusader. I wasn’t shocked when, like many 30-year old hetero married men, he mused about a campaign to include cuddling in the Olympics. But his latest idea - forming the International Federation of Cuddling (of which he has unilaterally declared himself the life-long president) - made me wonder: Is cuddling a universal phenomenon, or something culturally bound?
Clearly, the Brits are on board. Check out the cheeky-yet-useful VideoJug instructional below:
National Mistress Day is February 13. It’s an unofficial holiday - unlike the observance of Valentine’s Day which, as we all know, seems to be rigidly enforced by powerful chocolate and flower cartels - but one that’s.
